Long Time

I don't know why I'm back here. I guess I just need something to talk to. It's late, I'm lonely, and I miss people I shouldn't miss.

I guess the first thing I'll go over is my mood swings. I've had horrible, violent ones that I obviously can't control. They make me miserable or angry, and they can be triggered by the slightest thing. It has made my life hell and strained relationships. I'm going on meds soon, and even though they're not specifically for the mood swings, we're hoping that it'll help me get better. I really hope so, I'm good enough at wrecking good things without being completely out of it when I do it.

As for missing people I shouldn't miss... Well, there's an ex, who I am somehow managing to miss tonight.. I think I just miss having someone to talk to. Yeah. That is what I am going to tell myself.

Person number 2 is my mom. It's been almost a year (August 31st I am counting as a full year). She wasn't a good mom. Not when I really look at it. I think I miss her just because I haven't really gotten out of this damned house since the last Summer I was with her. Very, very long time. I miss her animals more anyway. I don't even miss her in the end, I guess. Just her pets and her house. That's kinda pathetic.

Person numero 3 is a friend. One of the people I strained my relationship, obviously. I highly doubt she's reading this, I never linked her. Its so complicated. I'm mad at her and at the same time I know its my own damn fault. It's nothing I can really fix now, no matter how much I want to. I'm too messed up, and I'm going to fuck up again if we talk anymore before I'm on my meds. Ugh. It's all too hard.

On other news, I've been remembering my dreams a lot lately. Some are freaking crazy. Maybe I'll start posting here again. I want to. I kinda missed this. I'll have to see though.

Midterms

And the results are in:
History = B-
English = unknown
Math = E
Web and Media Design = A
Lab Environmental = A
French = B-

Overall not bad I'd say. Math is always my week point. With any luck I'll pick up my grades in math. I actually get what we're doing in class right now. I'm just hoping that the new sememster will be a sort of clean slate for me. Maybe I can get my final grade to be like a C by the end of the year. That's liveable to me. A C. That shouldn't kill me, right?

Now if only I'd get reccomended for honors English, since I effing deserve it in that damned class. Seriously, the only reason it's not my best subject right now is that Environmental Science and Web and Media Design are both really easy classes.

I outlined an essay(the outline isn't due until next Thursday, go me). It's an exposatory essay, meaning I have to relate it to the real world to get my point across. I'm using The Outsiders, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and Inheritance to make my argument. I'm fairly certain the only way this essay would be cooler would be if I somehow fit Pokemon into there. I'm kind of excited to write it, too bad it wont be worth as much as that stupid research paper was.

I signed up for the SAT. I'm taking it March 10. That gives me a month to study. How insane is that? I'll be done with it soon. I'm also taking the HSPA test in March, like right before the SAT. Oh well, at least I'm getting it all out in one go. I'm going to have to really be in test mode the beggining of next month. *dies*

Than in May I'll be taking my driver's test. I. Am. So. Close. GAH! That's so weird for me, you have no idea. *flail* I mean shoot, I'll be legal to drive all on my own soon. I'll be driving to school soon. And I'll have to get a job D=

I also got a little more organized today. I'm going to start using an accordion folder instead of using ten different ones. I also have been gradually clearing out my binders since its the beggining of the second semester. It's amazing how much paper we've used, and we're only half way through the year! Seriously, im going to have to throw away a ridiculous amount of papers at the end of this year.

Primus above, I'm also nearing the AP History exam. But after that my teacher promised that we aren't doing anything else. I'm so glad it's almost all over. *thunks head against desk* I'm so sick of all of this. I can't wait to just get it all over with. Oh well, at least I'm getting close. Thank god this year is passing by faster than last year did.

Another Weird Dream

I was somehow sent to a world wort of like Toy Story, and became a very realistic doll. There was a whole colony of toys there, lead by a head honcho toy and their second in command. They all lived in a huge doll house on a floading island above a huge grassy plain. Below, they sad, were toys they'd banished from their land for misbehaving. It was rare they could save anyone who fell by accident.

I made friends with nearly everyone quickly. The only person who seemed the truly dislike me was the SIC. It was a lot of fun.

One day, I fell to the plain with one of the toys I'd been hanging out with. The wild toys converged on us and attacked us. We ran(well, I ran, the toy I was with waddled. It didn't have hands or feet) back toward the floating island. Everyone had gathered and were holding a rope ladder. They threw the ladder down as soon as we were close enough. I helped the other toy up, before getting up to safety myself. The other toys were able to pull up the ladder before any of he wild toys could climb it.

Much later in the dream(I can't remember the middle) We were all hung by string by something, Hair, a  pullstring, something. The Commander and SIC were glaring at us, lecturing us for misbehaving. For trying to change things. For trying to free the toys. We protested, but couldn't do much. Something staurted cutting our pull strings or hair or whatever, and we grabbed the main ring so we wouldn't fall. We swung forward onto the safety of the roof.

A voice shouted loudly, saying it agreed with us. A new toy appeared. The Commander stared in awe at it, even as it ordered that we were all freed and agreed to our terms. The SIC was livid, and attacked me, knocking me ver so I was half hanging over the roof, her wieght on my legs the only thing keeping me from falling to my death. And then she got up, and I fell.

~-x-~

Yeah, another pleasent one. But whatevs. Gives me something to write about.

Well

I told my friend things that have been bothering me last night. She replied with silence mostly. I guess she didn't know what to say. I don't know what I expected her to say. Relationships are complicated like that I suppose. Oh well.

As we speak, I'm throwing some updates onto my external hard drive. It's nice to know if anything ever happens, I'll have my computer readily available to me. It's also comforting to have a back up file of all of my documents handy. Damn thing has a fuckload of memory too. It's great.

Anyway, things have been pretty average. I'm still alive. Going to my first therapy appointment on Monday. If I tell her about this, I'm not letting her on. No way. I'll delete the entire thing. Just no.

Air Force Thoughts

I'm thinking about joining the Air Force after high school. I want to do it, but only god knows if I'll pass all the tests. If I do it right, I'll be set for life. Sure, it'll be scary. And I'll sure as hell miss my family and friends. But I just.

I want that. I want to have the knowladge that I accomplished that. I want to be the one that all those people can look up to. I want to be able to defend myself. I want to make my family and my friends proud. I want to be proud of myself. I want to help defend my country.

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. But I know it would be worth it if I did it.

I MISS BEING HEALTHY

I misss my heart not crying. I miss not crying everyday.

I want to be normal. I want to feel pretty and loved and smart again. I want to feel like I should.

Why does it have to be like this?

Last night

I had a dream. It was snowing. I was catching flakes on my tongue.

Somone told me it was poisonous. I opened my mouth wider and tried harder to catch them.

No one stopped me.

I love my subconcious. I really do.

I wonder if that's really how little people would care.

And I wanna cry again

I hate this. I pour my heart and my soul, my mental and physical health, my blood, sweat, and tears into something, and someone always wants to destroy it. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm always willing to give everything, and it's never enough.

I'm so sick of it. God am I sick of it.  I hate never being good enough, never being able to do enough.

I hate being worthless, but I am. I really am.

I'm never going to make a name for myself. I'm never going to be that person I want to be. Because that person will work for their goals, an I wont. I never have, and I never will. I'm sure I'll give up on my dreams soon and get ready  to go to some teaching college to get my degree. And I'll be that one teacher who everyone hates because I will still be worthless and I'll teach some shitty subject like history so no one will ever want to be around me. Because that's the ultimate sign that I failed, I think, winding up as a teacher. I despise school and everyone/thing associated with it. Being a teacher would be perfect symboism for how much of a failure I am.

All I do is cry, eat, sleep, and do schoolwork. Roleplay and other distractions don't count. I'm worthless. I don't contribute as all. My value is impossible to measure because there is none. I guess this is why I don't think there's any real reason for life, even though I wanna believe there's some plan.

If there's a plan for me, it's a pathetic one. anyone who gets to read it before hand will laugh because of how worthess a single life can be. Maybe I laughed too before I found out it was going to be me.

And again, everything wants to go wrong. And I'm apologizing even thought I don't want to to trigger some contact with the only person who shows some real desire to be around me.

Sometimes I wish I had a button where I could kill myself, and see what'd happen if I were to die, then I could just hit a rewind button if I changed my mind. It'd be so easy that way, wouldn't it? Then I could no if there was any real reason why my life would be worth living.

I need to learn to live without people again. It was easier when I only had to care about myself and daddy.  I think I'm going to be a hermit when I'm older. No one is going to want to be around me anyway. It'll be better off that way.

Ohy

I was actually okay when I got home. Then I reconvinced myself that my best friend is going to boot me soon and now I'm back to wanting to cry.

The day sucked. Finished a math quiz, have a headache. pep rally sucked as usual. I am cold and depressed and unhappy.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Today

I need to write. I just need to. I need to type and just get everything out of my head to keep myself from crying anymore.

I'm so SICK of crying.

My internal alarm went off around 8. I got up and got dressed in my new riding pant, boots, and chaps. I just wanted to break them in a little before I actually rode in them, as I was supposed to go today.

Stepmom asks me if I want to go to the mall so I can get some presents for my friends. I agree, so we go. Lots of shopping, got two of my friends a nice little something and got some sick ass headphones I can't have until christmas. Got the lady I ride with a Barnes and Nobles gift card too, and we're planning on getting her husband one as well.

In the mall, nearly had two break downs. I barely held in the tears, and even then it was the work of a damned miracle. Stepmom tried to make it better, but it didn't help. And of course the stress got me sick to my stomach, which still hasn't gone away.

Texted someone 3 times. I apparently need to get unused to a routine, seeing as I'm used to talking to them all day every day. And today of course, things went out of schedual, and I spent the night wondering if she was dead/finally realized I was a shitty friend and wanted me out of her life. Which also was what probably extended my stomach problems so long.

We were in the mall for 5 hours. At that point, my back was killing me as were my feet. My toes have blisters now, if you care to know. My riding shoes are at least decently broken in I think. So yay, my fat ass can at least do something worth while. You think theres any money in painfully breaking in other's riding boots for them?

And of course, my ego is noting and my emotions are wild and nothing is going right. As I've mentioned before, today proved i need serious psychiatric help and probbaly medicine. Or someone to just do the world a favor and shoot me. But we all know that wont happen, so here I will be, bitching and whining to nobody. And of the people who might read, at least one will go: "Oh, she thinks she has it SOOOO bad. Everything is horrible for her. Well yeah? I got it ten times worse." They're just like most of my school friends. No one really wants to listen to me.

Hell, what's the point of a therapist, they wont want to listen to me either. They'll just want the money and to conform me to what society wants. And I'm like a roung peg in a square hole with that sort of thing. So they'll keep getting money and they wont really help and all will be right with the world.

Sometimes I wish I could see what the world would be like if I were never born. But I'm fairly certain whoever is in charge of that would take one look at me and be like: "Sorry, you really don't want to know that."

7 days/ Where are you Christmas?

It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when you're depressed and it has gotten really bad again in the past two months. I'm crying almost every day now. I almost had a break down in the mall twice today.

I feel stupid, fat, worthless, clingy, whiney, and just abnormal. I feel like a freak.

Not to mention the person who has been talking to me all day every day pretty much for the entire day and who bugs out when she doesn't hear from me by four decided to not contact me until 10. I had about three anxiety attacks, swore something horrible happened, or thought she hated my guts and never wanted to speak to me again. I am in way to fragile of a state to deal with this.

Yeah, I'm fragile. That's the best word. I'm deaing with severe mood swings contantly. No one can say anything to me without making me upset. I'm snapping so easily. I need help, I -genuinely- need help. When I admit it, that's bad.

Hopefully something will happen soon. My stepmom hopefully wont procrastinate with this. I can't do this by myself, clearly, and I can't keep asking V to listen to me bitch when she has her own shit.

Anyway, last few months have sucked, I need to post more, etc. I need to relax more, really. I just wanna cry too much lately. It's annoying. And, you know, I feel like I have a ton of rocks on my chest the entire time.

Today sucked. But at least I only have one more present to make and then THANK YOU PRIMUS I am done. I have all my presents for everyone aside from that, and I even did a ton od wrapping for my stepmom. So yay, I did one thing right with my worthless existance.

I'm going to go break down some more. Yay school tomorrow.

Not a good day

You know you're a clutz when you get yourself hurt during first period.

So, we were playing indoor soccer. And I was trying to be a good girl and paticipate. And after having a friend try to knock my head off with the ball, someone else kicked it into my foot as I was running. And I tripped, and landed with the majority of my weight on my left knee. Ow. So, I limped to the nurses office, got an ice pack, limped back to the gym, got back into my normal clothes, and limped back to the nurse.

I had to spend half of second period in the nurse's office. Filled out an injury report. Iced my knee for a while. Nurse called daddy and stepmom, so they both  know I'm a clutz. Made it through the day limping slightly and numbing my knee with ice. I got to be an honorary cripple though. Got a note to leave all my classes five minutes early and ride the elevator. 8D It was also the first time I broke down and went to the nurse for having something wrong with me.

So, all in all, not a fun day. I'mma go do homeowrk nao.

Holy shit

Sorry guys, I should have posted sooner.

School has been hell. I had a horrible week this week. Things cleared up a bit forthe weekend though, so I'll just ramble about the past two days

Alright, so Saturday I had to get up early to go take the PSATs at my school. They were pretty hard, but at the very least I believe that I passed. I hope I did well enough to get a scholarship from it. After that, I went horseback riding. We did a lot more running than we have in a while, and didn't spend too much time in the woods. Pongo kept up like a champ, I was really proud of him. The ground was a little wet, so I was a little worried about slipping. And the wind was blowing pretty hard and spooking the horses. But it was really fun overall.

I also tried riding Sleepy around the paddock. He didn't really want to listen to me. He's a lot fatter than Pongo, and has a shorter neck, so that was strange. He's a lot more stubborn than Pongo is too. I got him to run a little for me, which was pretty cool. He wouldn't run very far, but maybe I'll be able to work into it.

Today was another early day, but it was for something great. I got to go visit V at her college campus =D It was awesome seeing her again and I missed her so bad. She tackleglomped me the second I got out of the car. She showed me around the campus once my parents went off to do their own thing. First up, she showed me her dorm. It was way smaller than I thought it was through skype. But it was a cozy kind of small, and she and her roommate keep it pretty neat. I sat on her bed, and it felt like I was sitting on a rock. She also gave me a few gifts(will explain in a bit), and I gave her her halloween card. We went to the barn after and I met a few of the school horses. Then she took me to the cattle barn, where I met some adorable little cows. I let te only one that would get up suck on my fingers. It was slimy, but absolutely adorable. After that, V lead me to the library. Unfortunately, it was closed, but from what she tells me it's incredible on the inside. After that, I was taken to meet the school mascot, right at his home in a mini-ampitheater. If you stand in the right spot, your voce gets really loud and echoey. After that, she showed me the game room, and kicked my ass in pool. Well, that's a lie, we made out almost evenly. But she still one. After that, we went back to her dorm for a bit and got in some much needed make-up cuddles and tickles. Finally, her friends got up and I was off to the cafeteria with her(I still feel bad that you pretty much wasted your money on me, V, I'll pay you back someday, I swear!) to meet them. They were... Not my cup of tea. I wont go into it, but they freaked me out quite a bit. If I wind up heading to her school, I think I might skip out on eating with them and just... hide across the cafeteria or something so I'm not a bother. Anyway, we let once she was done. I felt bad, but I was relieved. Back up to her dorm hall we went. There I met one of her friends, to I suppose will have to be V-squared here. My creativity is becoming limited, so sue me. Anyway, we met her, and she was nice and -ohdearprimusthankyouyes- normal. Then we went back to V's room for yet more snuggles, and I met her room mate(Who must have thought I was fucking insane) and her room mate's mom. It all went pretty well, over all, except for when both Vs decided to tickle rape me. Yay for unfair xD

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and I wanted to cry when it came time to leave. I really, really, REALLY missed her since she's been gone, and even though I got to see her for longer than normal, I didn't like leaving knowing that I don't know when I'll see her again. But still, it was wonderful to see her, and did wonders for my mental health. The campus was beautiful. Mostplace has a sort of old-timey look to it that I love. There's also lots of wild plants and lots of animals, which I also liked. Beds aren't too great, but I wouldn't complain much about that if I was dorming with V. Primus I missed her. But yeah, heading home consisted of me fighting(and surprisingly winning against) tears.

Now, V has been trying to convince me to go to ths campus, and as of right now it's my top college, although there is another university that has piqued my interest. But I like the evironment of V's school (And the added plus of V). So yeah. One of the ladies in the admissions office is in cahoots with V. I actually got a HANDWRITTEN note, and a realy nice string bag from the one lady in there. The lady seems nice, although I haven't been able to meet her yet. Maybe the next time I gothere I'll be able too.

Anyway, onto the prezzies my wonderful, thoughtful older sister got for me. One was a blue clip in hari extension, which looked adorabe when I could get it to stay right. The other was a little prayer box, with three angels inside of it. One for faith, one for love, and one for hope. I've been really depressed lately, and she thought I needed a little bit of love and hope, so she got it. And despite not being very religious, I love it, because the thought behind the sentiment was so sweet of her(Shit, now THIS is gonna make me cry T-T I'm a wuss today). So I wave very happy. Ad the little prayer box and angels really are beatiful. I love it. She is the queen of really thoughtful gifts, I just wish I could learn to return the favor. And, you know, have money.

Once I got home, things went south. My dad and stepmom went to a party, and I wound up doing a shit load of chores. Well, whatever, and least they're done now. And besides, that can't ruing that I got to see V today. And, my stepmom said the ride isn't too bad, so she'll probably be willing to take me back soon. I am pleased with this news.

Alright, time to start tring to get a little ready for tomorrow. Unfortunately, I have to bounce back from a really bad week, meaning I'm not going to be very happy.

I'll try to post soon.

I'm alive

School started and I'm sick.

That's all you get for now.

Farking Weather

Seriously, the storm weekend sucked. I know no one is going to read this, but I want to write it all out anyway.

So, I have never used my flashlight so much in my life.  For two nights it was pitch black in the house at night, and I had no internet. Not to mention, when dad had the generator running, there were still no lights on in the bathrooms. That sucked, thank the gods for flashlights.

Dad and I also spent a lot of time over at the neighbor's house. She got two feet of water in her bsement, and everything was destroyed, Dad had to use our generator to power her two sump pumps to help get all of the water out. But she lost everything down there, pretty much. I feel bad for her, but there's nothing that can really be done now.

Her two dogs were pretty friendly with me. Benson, her big Burmese mountain dog, parked and growled at me but he's still a puppy and just wants attention and someone to play with. He's a beautiful dog though with an impressive coat. I like being around him. The other dog is a tiny white yappy thing that's usually mean, but for whatever reason all he wanted from me was a nice petting.

Anyway, it was team effort on Sunday to continually help or neighbor with her every flooding basement. The neighbors on the other side came over as well, and two of her friends were there to help us try to save her basement. It made my back hurt a lot with all the standing and it was boring really. For me what I was assigned to do involved a lot of waiting around for someone to tell me what to do.

Not to mention, her pool is trashed. A lot of her back yard got washed right into it. The whole thing is just mud now. It looks so gross. I feel really bad for her, since she's going to have to pump the whole thing and re-fill it. Dad says she has to be really careful with it though or the pool will collapse. I just hope she can get it done soon. After all, it's almost that time of year to close it.

The weekend was super stressful for me. I don't like to sleep in my room withut a light, simply because if I do I can't see anything at all. And no power meant no light and I've gotten so used to having one so I can get up in the middle of the night that it was difficult for me to get to sleep. So that sucked. Not to mention the reports of tornadoes nearby and the wound of the wind against the house and the trees cracking were all so eerie that it made me freak out quite a bit. It was one of the storms that make you think the world is ending outside, you know? It didn't help that this was my first hurricane, so I had no idea what to expect.

In other crappy news, my pocket watch busted again over the weekend. I can't slagging win with the stupid thing. Maybe I should just give up on it. *sighs* Oh well, just a waste of 30 bucks, right?

Oh, and I forgot to mention in my other entry that mom didn't pay child support this month. This is bound to cause trouble. *sighs* I don't know. I'm glad school is starting now, so she can't get me for this Summer anymore. And hopefully this year wont be too horrible. I' so stressed and worried lately though. Oh well, there's nothing I can do really bu hope that everything works out.

Alright, that's it for now. Lates~

Fairly productive day

As far as chores go, I got my laundry finished and put it away. I emptied and re-loaded the dishwasher. I cleaned off the top of my dresser and my desk. I put my Transformers action figures away. I fed the cats. I went out and got the mail and newspaper. And I set up the coffee pot so daddy doesn't have to in the morning. I also applied for my first college scholarship today, and might work on a few more in a little bit once I get my blog and vlog entries taken care of.

Oh, I don't know if I've mentioned the vlog on here before. I'm going to be doing a daily vlog for Vera while she's away at college. Todays was ridiculously long because I have no life, but whatever. I also took a bunch of cute pictures which I will include at the bottom of one of my little stuffed animal "family"s. Anyway, Vlogs for V is a lot of fun so far. But I also have the videos set to private, so no links. Sorry everyone.

I also started a dream journal today. I kind of need to, I'm having some really weird dreams lately. So, since I want to be able to remember them and laugh, and perhaps even share a few of them with you, I'll be jotting them down in my dream journal.

I know the entry about my weekend without power is super late, and that super long entry will be my next post, and I plan on writing that as soon as I finish this one here. As you can see, I'm feeling uber motivated today.

On a side note, I've been like constantly hungry the past few days. It's really weird.  Maybe I'll google possible causes and scare the crap out of myself. Or maybe my body is just being finicky. I don't really know. It's probably nothing.

I really need to get my stepmom to switch my pediatrician so I can go to the doctors. I've had a weird lump on my chest for a while now and I kind of want to know what it is. Hopefully nothing serious.

Oh! I'm sure I mentioned the Rotweiler that stayed at my house a few weeks ago. Well, she was pregnant, and just had her litter! She had 5 pups. They are SO CUTE! I honestly want to go and steal one. The mom was really sweet, so I'm pretty sure they would be awesome puppies. I doubt it will happen though, dad says we don't have time for a dog. Oh well, right?

 Alright, that's pretty much. I've been up since like 8 this morning, so I'm feeling kinda tired. It's less sleep than I've gotten used to, but I have to start adjusting for the school year. I'm going to post the pictures than work on my other entry.

Fuck You Hurricane

Lost power from late Saturday until this morning. During tha time, all I really did was help dad with everything. When we finally got power back and I was finally able to get a shower, my biolgical whore older sister's boy slut USED ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING HOT WATER THAT LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING SHIT FACE.

So, of course, the girl whos been doing nothing but helping the rents and earning a killer back ache gets a cold shower. And Dad of course defends them, again. I fucking hate this family.

Calm thoughts. Calm thoughts. Calm thoughts...

It's been a long weekend in which I didn't get enough sleep, although I have decided I will take up daily vlogging as well for reasons only V knows and shell probably be the only one watching

Long entry sometime in the future

Ohana and Hurricanes

*sighs* My darling older sister [V] has been away for two days. It's weird, to be honest. I wasn't worried about the distance until it was actually between us. I'm used to having long distance relationships, and am actually better at them as a general rule.

But now I can feel the distance between us, and it's making me feel more lonely then I have in a while. But maybe I can talk my parents into semi frequent visits. I know they don't want to take the time out of their days, but a girl can still hope, right?

Besides, I'll still be able to skype with her. And IM more often then before. And hopefully things will work out. Her room mate seems very sweet, from the few minutes I've seen of her. So that's good.

I also finished my summer project in the two days she had been gone. I also have all four of my binders for school complete with cover art and song lyrics. I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do with the rest of my summer now. I guess try to stay organized and get ready for another school year. And a camping trip that will take place right before school starts. I hope we still go, even though it means I'll be completely unreachable for 2-4 days.

A hurricane is blowing through our area. It's going to be pretty rough, but our area isn't being evacuated yet. My family doesn't even know where we'd go anyway if we did. Still, I have an emergency bag packed with most of my essentials and a few things I couldn't live without. But I'm hoping for the best and that we'll be safe. Let's pray for the house, right?

Dad thinks we'll be fine, so I'm going to trust him. I'm still nervous though. I can't help it. Aside from the earthquake the other day, which was minor where I live and caused no damage, this will be the first real natural disaster I experience. And to be quite frank, I don't think I'm ready for it. Then again, who ever really is truly mentally prepared for such a thing to occur?

I dunno. I just hope everything works out, and that we all get through this safe and alive.

Tarot cards and thunder storms

Guess who spent the day cleaning her room and found her tarot deck?

Yup, me! So I got bred and tried all 4 layouts on the little instruction sheet that came with the deck. Wanna see what I got?

“Celtic cross spread” [HUGE thunder claps as I start] 

1-     1.   Present position: The Magician, right side up. “You are well suited for business, science and high-tech fields. You are a risk-taker and an over achiever, highly organized with tremendous powers of concentration. You are flexible and creative. Determination and the strength of you personality will overcome problems. Take charge and take action. The card of personal power.”

2-     2. Current influences: The Fool, right side up. “You are unpredictable, open, spontaneous, adventurous, a free spirit, and a dreamer. You are free of responsibility by choice and do not like restrictions. You have the soul of an entrepreneur. Signifies the start of a new phase in life. Trust in your own ideas and plans no matter what others my say” 

3-     3. Goal or destiny: Death, right side up. “Signifies either the metaphorical personal rebirth followed by great change in your life; or the literal death of someone you know. Renewal. Personal growth through honest self-examination. End of an era- put the past behind you. Fear of the unknown, of change, and of being out of control. Focus on the essentials of life. Simplify.”

4-     4. Influences of distant past: King of Cups, upside down. “Indicates a male over 40. A secretive, elusive man who is plotting against you. Openly bigoted and narrow minded. This man holds a grudge. He may be involved in a difficult moral decision. You may lose your virtue, innocence, or money through this man. Do not trust him with your heart or possessions.”

5-    5.  Recent past events: The Hierophant, right side up. “Well suited for a career in education, medicine, or religion. Increased knowledge, education, and skills. Spiritual growth. Teamwork necessary for job contentment. Bend to authority and do what is expected of you. Watch out for ethical conflicts. Chose the moral path. Your need for social approval affects your decisions.”

6-     6. Future influence: Eight Of Pentacles, upside down. “Dishonesty in business. Your reputation, as well as you long-term goals, are in jeopardy. Lack of insight into problems affects your judgment. You are extremely short-sighted. Look into the future. Careless spending. Solicit several binds before making decision. Business partnership in conflict.”

7-     7. Present attitude: The Hanged Man, right side up. “The card of contradictions. Do the opposite of what your instincts tell you to do. Peace of mind comes from making the decision. Put aside any selfish interests. It may be necessary to sacrifice in order to achieve success. Instead of trying to control people and situations, leave them alone.”

8-     8. Environmental influences: Five of Pentacles, upside down. “A break in a downward spiral of events. New job but it probably isn’t permanent. Money affairs regain some balance only after very serious problems. Temporary financial gain only to lose again. Friends may be insincere. Family and friends have helped all they can. Someone who is in a similar situation will offer assistance.”

9-     9. Innermost emotions: Three of Wands, upside down. “Bad advice. Rejection of your ideas and dreams by others. Decisions made too hastily. Unsound business judgment. Bad luck sneaks up on you unexpectedly. Money or investment may be lost. Withdraw from unimportant arguments. Save your strength and energy for the most crucial battles.”

10  10. Most likely outcome= King of Swords, upside down. “Signifies a male over 40. Conceals his emotions. A very intelligent but dangerous man. Cruel and self-centered. He plots against you. Sadistic and manipulative. Enjoys causing suffering and trouble. Looks out only for his own interests. Watch out for his actions.”

"The Star Spread"

1-      1. Feelings: Two of Swords, right side up. “No major changes and few events. Your heart is closed off to avoid the possibility of pain. Emotional barriers protect  you from love. You are basically in denial. Inability to accept the reality of your problems keeps the situations from changing. Take action and compromise to resolve issues.”

2-     2. Influences: Ace of Swords, right side up. “An excellent time for work and intellectual projects-a breakthrough is possible. Your life’s mission or career direction will become clear. The ability to persevere will be crucial during this period. Decisions should be guided by what is just, true and honorable. Think of problems as opportunities for change.”

3-      3.[Another loud thunder clap]Emotional block: The Devil, upside down. “inability to make decisions. Looking for an easy score or get-rich-quick scheme shows weak character and a lack of determination. Tendency to be aggressive, violent, and angry. Manipulative, controlling, cruel and sadistic personality. Self-understanding and personal improvement is possible with effort. Money trouble.”

4-      4. Expectations: Ace of Wands, upside down. “ Feelings of exhaustion, low energy, lethargy, and metal dullness. You are over involved and need to choose between too many commitments. Loss of enthusiasm and interest in the very things that have always made you happy. Material success doesn’t make you happy.”

5-      5. Most likely outcome: Seven of Pentacles, upside down. “Little financial gain after taking a huge risk. Loan default. Anxiety over mounting debts. Financial security is threatened. Your credit may be overextended. Many possible financial choices with no clear answer. Investments are a disapointmenr, Action without planning dooms finances.

"The Past-Present-Future spread"

1-      Past: The World, upside down. “ No energy, Loss of momentum. Goals have been forgotten-review and set new ones, You underestimate your own abilities and lack vision. Fear of change or travel keep you from success and happiness. Too attached to your current job or residence. You are inflexible and must respond to changing circumstances.”

2-      Present: Eight of Swords, upside down. “You are drowning in details. Your view of the big picture is obscured by something. Too many choices. Lack of clarity and direction. Develop a strategy and stick to it. Research carefully. Radically new ideas are needed. New bwgginings are possible. Plan carefully and execute the plan.

3-      Future: Two of Pentacles, right side up. “Great changes are in store for you. An important message or document arrives, putting an end to a problem. Enjoy your work and learn from the challenges. An excellent time for new projects. Research them carefully with attention to the details. Be patient and wait for all the elements to fall into place. Pick up a project that has been put aside.”

"The single draw"[Random stomach ache right before I draw the card]

The Tower- “Long held beliefs and ideas are challenged. Overall chaos, sudden crisis and misery. Natural disasters. Grief over a broken relationship. All aspects of your life are open to disaster. Take action. Trouble will end only after you get rid of something or someone. Later you will realize that these changes are for the best.

So yeah, pretty interesting results, no?

 In other news, Dad took me out driving today. I got my first road kill. It was a turtle :c I didn't see it until it was too late to do anything. Dad is positive I killed it. I still feel bad.

I think that's about it...

Its kind of funny

My dad makes me feel like an idiot whenever I stress myself out over another person's well being. And when I get sick of stressing over someone who seems to be bitching just to get attention, suddenly I don't care about them. It's impossible to win in todays world.

And I hate people who wont take credit for screwing up. Guess what? Moving across the country and leaving your four year old daughter with her father is leaving her! Not going to college and not getting a degree? Yeah, that's pretty much job suicide for young people today, unless you want to have the shittiest, lowest paying job in existence.

Oh, and PS? Don't go blaming someone whose fault it isn't. Don't blame the girl who works her ass off for school and stresses holes into her stomach worrying about you. Don t blame the man working 40+ hours a week in a job he hates because he wants his family to eat. Don't blame the woman who had to get a second job to make sure the bills get payed. And quit blaming the kids who are getting jobs and have plans for the future because you can't get off your lazy ass and do something with your life.

[[Please note, readers, this is dedicated to my piece of shit mother, lousy sister, and her good for nothing sack of crap boyfriend]]

Now that I've gotten my rage out...

I got my permit a few days ago. Driving is scary. I also got my new copy of my Social Security card. Yay, I'm a generic number like the rest of Americans. I've also had to deal with way too much stupid as of late.

Oh. And my sister is leaving in what will be 2 days in an hour. FML.