And I wanna cry again

I hate this. I pour my heart and my soul, my mental and physical health, my blood, sweat, and tears into something, and someone always wants to destroy it. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm always willing to give everything, and it's never enough.

I'm so sick of it. God am I sick of it.  I hate never being good enough, never being able to do enough.

I hate being worthless, but I am. I really am.

I'm never going to make a name for myself. I'm never going to be that person I want to be. Because that person will work for their goals, an I wont. I never have, and I never will. I'm sure I'll give up on my dreams soon and get ready  to go to some teaching college to get my degree. And I'll be that one teacher who everyone hates because I will still be worthless and I'll teach some shitty subject like history so no one will ever want to be around me. Because that's the ultimate sign that I failed, I think, winding up as a teacher. I despise school and everyone/thing associated with it. Being a teacher would be perfect symboism for how much of a failure I am.

All I do is cry, eat, sleep, and do schoolwork. Roleplay and other distractions don't count. I'm worthless. I don't contribute as all. My value is impossible to measure because there is none. I guess this is why I don't think there's any real reason for life, even though I wanna believe there's some plan.

If there's a plan for me, it's a pathetic one. anyone who gets to read it before hand will laugh because of how worthess a single life can be. Maybe I laughed too before I found out it was going to be me.

And again, everything wants to go wrong. And I'm apologizing even thought I don't want to to trigger some contact with the only person who shows some real desire to be around me.

Sometimes I wish I had a button where I could kill myself, and see what'd happen if I were to die, then I could just hit a rewind button if I changed my mind. It'd be so easy that way, wouldn't it? Then I could no if there was any real reason why my life would be worth living.

I need to learn to live without people again. It was easier when I only had to care about myself and daddy.  I think I'm going to be a hermit when I'm older. No one is going to want to be around me anyway. It'll be better off that way.

Ohy

I was actually okay when I got home. Then I reconvinced myself that my best friend is going to boot me soon and now I'm back to wanting to cry.

The day sucked. Finished a math quiz, have a headache. pep rally sucked as usual. I am cold and depressed and unhappy.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Today

I need to write. I just need to. I need to type and just get everything out of my head to keep myself from crying anymore.

I'm so SICK of crying.

My internal alarm went off around 8. I got up and got dressed in my new riding pant, boots, and chaps. I just wanted to break them in a little before I actually rode in them, as I was supposed to go today.

Stepmom asks me if I want to go to the mall so I can get some presents for my friends. I agree, so we go. Lots of shopping, got two of my friends a nice little something and got some sick ass headphones I can't have until christmas. Got the lady I ride with a Barnes and Nobles gift card too, and we're planning on getting her husband one as well.

In the mall, nearly had two break downs. I barely held in the tears, and even then it was the work of a damned miracle. Stepmom tried to make it better, but it didn't help. And of course the stress got me sick to my stomach, which still hasn't gone away.

Texted someone 3 times. I apparently need to get unused to a routine, seeing as I'm used to talking to them all day every day. And today of course, things went out of schedual, and I spent the night wondering if she was dead/finally realized I was a shitty friend and wanted me out of her life. Which also was what probably extended my stomach problems so long.

We were in the mall for 5 hours. At that point, my back was killing me as were my feet. My toes have blisters now, if you care to know. My riding shoes are at least decently broken in I think. So yay, my fat ass can at least do something worth while. You think theres any money in painfully breaking in other's riding boots for them?

And of course, my ego is noting and my emotions are wild and nothing is going right. As I've mentioned before, today proved i need serious psychiatric help and probbaly medicine. Or someone to just do the world a favor and shoot me. But we all know that wont happen, so here I will be, bitching and whining to nobody. And of the people who might read, at least one will go: "Oh, she thinks she has it SOOOO bad. Everything is horrible for her. Well yeah? I got it ten times worse." They're just like most of my school friends. No one really wants to listen to me.

Hell, what's the point of a therapist, they wont want to listen to me either. They'll just want the money and to conform me to what society wants. And I'm like a roung peg in a square hole with that sort of thing. So they'll keep getting money and they wont really help and all will be right with the world.

Sometimes I wish I could see what the world would be like if I were never born. But I'm fairly certain whoever is in charge of that would take one look at me and be like: "Sorry, you really don't want to know that."

7 days/ Where are you Christmas?

It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when you're depressed and it has gotten really bad again in the past two months. I'm crying almost every day now. I almost had a break down in the mall twice today.

I feel stupid, fat, worthless, clingy, whiney, and just abnormal. I feel like a freak.

Not to mention the person who has been talking to me all day every day pretty much for the entire day and who bugs out when she doesn't hear from me by four decided to not contact me until 10. I had about three anxiety attacks, swore something horrible happened, or thought she hated my guts and never wanted to speak to me again. I am in way to fragile of a state to deal with this.

Yeah, I'm fragile. That's the best word. I'm deaing with severe mood swings contantly. No one can say anything to me without making me upset. I'm snapping so easily. I need help, I -genuinely- need help. When I admit it, that's bad.

Hopefully something will happen soon. My stepmom hopefully wont procrastinate with this. I can't do this by myself, clearly, and I can't keep asking V to listen to me bitch when she has her own shit.

Anyway, last few months have sucked, I need to post more, etc. I need to relax more, really. I just wanna cry too much lately. It's annoying. And, you know, I feel like I have a ton of rocks on my chest the entire time.

Today sucked. But at least I only have one more present to make and then THANK YOU PRIMUS I am done. I have all my presents for everyone aside from that, and I even did a ton od wrapping for my stepmom. So yay, I did one thing right with my worthless existance.

I'm going to go break down some more. Yay school tomorrow.

Not a good day

You know you're a clutz when you get yourself hurt during first period.

So, we were playing indoor soccer. And I was trying to be a good girl and paticipate. And after having a friend try to knock my head off with the ball, someone else kicked it into my foot as I was running. And I tripped, and landed with the majority of my weight on my left knee. Ow. So, I limped to the nurses office, got an ice pack, limped back to the gym, got back into my normal clothes, and limped back to the nurse.

I had to spend half of second period in the nurse's office. Filled out an injury report. Iced my knee for a while. Nurse called daddy and stepmom, so they both  know I'm a clutz. Made it through the day limping slightly and numbing my knee with ice. I got to be an honorary cripple though. Got a note to leave all my classes five minutes early and ride the elevator. 8D It was also the first time I broke down and went to the nurse for having something wrong with me.

So, all in all, not a fun day. I'mma go do homeowrk nao.

Holy shit

Sorry guys, I should have posted sooner.

School has been hell. I had a horrible week this week. Things cleared up a bit forthe weekend though, so I'll just ramble about the past two days

Alright, so Saturday I had to get up early to go take the PSATs at my school. They were pretty hard, but at the very least I believe that I passed. I hope I did well enough to get a scholarship from it. After that, I went horseback riding. We did a lot more running than we have in a while, and didn't spend too much time in the woods. Pongo kept up like a champ, I was really proud of him. The ground was a little wet, so I was a little worried about slipping. And the wind was blowing pretty hard and spooking the horses. But it was really fun overall.

I also tried riding Sleepy around the paddock. He didn't really want to listen to me. He's a lot fatter than Pongo, and has a shorter neck, so that was strange. He's a lot more stubborn than Pongo is too. I got him to run a little for me, which was pretty cool. He wouldn't run very far, but maybe I'll be able to work into it.

Today was another early day, but it was for something great. I got to go visit V at her college campus =D It was awesome seeing her again and I missed her so bad. She tackleglomped me the second I got out of the car. She showed me around the campus once my parents went off to do their own thing. First up, she showed me her dorm. It was way smaller than I thought it was through skype. But it was a cozy kind of small, and she and her roommate keep it pretty neat. I sat on her bed, and it felt like I was sitting on a rock. She also gave me a few gifts(will explain in a bit), and I gave her her halloween card. We went to the barn after and I met a few of the school horses. Then she took me to the cattle barn, where I met some adorable little cows. I let te only one that would get up suck on my fingers. It was slimy, but absolutely adorable. After that, V lead me to the library. Unfortunately, it was closed, but from what she tells me it's incredible on the inside. After that, I was taken to meet the school mascot, right at his home in a mini-ampitheater. If you stand in the right spot, your voce gets really loud and echoey. After that, she showed me the game room, and kicked my ass in pool. Well, that's a lie, we made out almost evenly. But she still one. After that, we went back to her dorm for a bit and got in some much needed make-up cuddles and tickles. Finally, her friends got up and I was off to the cafeteria with her(I still feel bad that you pretty much wasted your money on me, V, I'll pay you back someday, I swear!) to meet them. They were... Not my cup of tea. I wont go into it, but they freaked me out quite a bit. If I wind up heading to her school, I think I might skip out on eating with them and just... hide across the cafeteria or something so I'm not a bother. Anyway, we let once she was done. I felt bad, but I was relieved. Back up to her dorm hall we went. There I met one of her friends, to I suppose will have to be V-squared here. My creativity is becoming limited, so sue me. Anyway, we met her, and she was nice and -ohdearprimusthankyouyes- normal. Then we went back to V's room for yet more snuggles, and I met her room mate(Who must have thought I was fucking insane) and her room mate's mom. It all went pretty well, over all, except for when both Vs decided to tickle rape me. Yay for unfair xD

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and I wanted to cry when it came time to leave. I really, really, REALLY missed her since she's been gone, and even though I got to see her for longer than normal, I didn't like leaving knowing that I don't know when I'll see her again. But still, it was wonderful to see her, and did wonders for my mental health. The campus was beautiful. Mostplace has a sort of old-timey look to it that I love. There's also lots of wild plants and lots of animals, which I also liked. Beds aren't too great, but I wouldn't complain much about that if I was dorming with V. Primus I missed her. But yeah, heading home consisted of me fighting(and surprisingly winning against) tears.

Now, V has been trying to convince me to go to ths campus, and as of right now it's my top college, although there is another university that has piqued my interest. But I like the evironment of V's school (And the added plus of V). So yeah. One of the ladies in the admissions office is in cahoots with V. I actually got a HANDWRITTEN note, and a realy nice string bag from the one lady in there. The lady seems nice, although I haven't been able to meet her yet. Maybe the next time I gothere I'll be able too.

Anyway, onto the prezzies my wonderful, thoughtful older sister got for me. One was a blue clip in hari extension, which looked adorabe when I could get it to stay right. The other was a little prayer box, with three angels inside of it. One for faith, one for love, and one for hope. I've been really depressed lately, and she thought I needed a little bit of love and hope, so she got it. And despite not being very religious, I love it, because the thought behind the sentiment was so sweet of her(Shit, now THIS is gonna make me cry T-T I'm a wuss today). So I wave very happy. Ad the little prayer box and angels really are beatiful. I love it. She is the queen of really thoughtful gifts, I just wish I could learn to return the favor. And, you know, have money.

Once I got home, things went south. My dad and stepmom went to a party, and I wound up doing a shit load of chores. Well, whatever, and least they're done now. And besides, that can't ruing that I got to see V today. And, my stepmom said the ride isn't too bad, so she'll probably be willing to take me back soon. I am pleased with this news.

Alright, time to start tring to get a little ready for tomorrow. Unfortunately, I have to bounce back from a really bad week, meaning I'm not going to be very happy.

I'll try to post soon.

I'm alive

School started and I'm sick.

That's all you get for now.