I'm thinking about joining the Air Force after high school. I want to do it, but only god knows if I'll pass all the tests. If I do it right, I'll be set for life. Sure, it'll be scary. And I'll sure as hell miss my family and friends. But I just.
I want that. I want to have the knowladge that I accomplished that. I want to be the one that all those people can look up to. I want to be able to defend myself. I want to make my family and my friends proud. I want to be proud of myself. I want to help defend my country.
I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. But I know it would be worth it if I did it.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
I MISS BEING HEALTHY
I misss my heart not crying. I miss not crying everyday.
I want to be normal. I want to feel pretty and loved and smart again. I want to feel like I should.
Why does it have to be like this?
I want to be normal. I want to feel pretty and loved and smart again. I want to feel like I should.
Why does it have to be like this?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Last night
I had a dream. It was snowing. I was catching flakes on my tongue.
Somone told me it was poisonous. I opened my mouth wider and tried harder to catch them.
No one stopped me.
I love my subconcious. I really do.
I wonder if that's really how little people would care.
Somone told me it was poisonous. I opened my mouth wider and tried harder to catch them.
No one stopped me.
I love my subconcious. I really do.
I wonder if that's really how little people would care.
Friday, January 6, 2012
And I wanna cry again
I hate this. I pour my heart and my soul, my mental and physical health, my blood, sweat, and tears into something, and someone always wants to destroy it. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm always willing to give everything, and it's never enough.
I'm so sick of it. God am I sick of it. I hate never being good enough, never being able to do enough.
I hate being worthless, but I am. I really am.
I'm never going to make a name for myself. I'm never going to be that person I want to be. Because that person will work for their goals, an I wont. I never have, and I never will. I'm sure I'll give up on my dreams soon and get ready to go to some teaching college to get my degree. And I'll be that one teacher who everyone hates because I will still be worthless and I'll teach some shitty subject like history so no one will ever want to be around me. Because that's the ultimate sign that I failed, I think, winding up as a teacher. I despise school and everyone/thing associated with it. Being a teacher would be perfect symboism for how much of a failure I am.
All I do is cry, eat, sleep, and do schoolwork. Roleplay and other distractions don't count. I'm worthless. I don't contribute as all. My value is impossible to measure because there is none. I guess this is why I don't think there's any real reason for life, even though I wanna believe there's some plan.
If there's a plan for me, it's a pathetic one. anyone who gets to read it before hand will laugh because of how worthess a single life can be. Maybe I laughed too before I found out it was going to be me.
And again, everything wants to go wrong. And I'm apologizing even thought I don't want to to trigger some contact with the only person who shows some real desire to be around me.
Sometimes I wish I had a button where I could kill myself, and see what'd happen if I were to die, then I could just hit a rewind button if I changed my mind. It'd be so easy that way, wouldn't it? Then I could no if there was any real reason why my life would be worth living.
I need to learn to live without people again. It was easier when I only had to care about myself and daddy. I think I'm going to be a hermit when I'm older. No one is going to want to be around me anyway. It'll be better off that way.
I'm so sick of it. God am I sick of it. I hate never being good enough, never being able to do enough.
I hate being worthless, but I am. I really am.
I'm never going to make a name for myself. I'm never going to be that person I want to be. Because that person will work for their goals, an I wont. I never have, and I never will. I'm sure I'll give up on my dreams soon and get ready to go to some teaching college to get my degree. And I'll be that one teacher who everyone hates because I will still be worthless and I'll teach some shitty subject like history so no one will ever want to be around me. Because that's the ultimate sign that I failed, I think, winding up as a teacher. I despise school and everyone/thing associated with it. Being a teacher would be perfect symboism for how much of a failure I am.
All I do is cry, eat, sleep, and do schoolwork. Roleplay and other distractions don't count. I'm worthless. I don't contribute as all. My value is impossible to measure because there is none. I guess this is why I don't think there's any real reason for life, even though I wanna believe there's some plan.
If there's a plan for me, it's a pathetic one. anyone who gets to read it before hand will laugh because of how worthess a single life can be. Maybe I laughed too before I found out it was going to be me.
And again, everything wants to go wrong. And I'm apologizing even thought I don't want to to trigger some contact with the only person who shows some real desire to be around me.
Sometimes I wish I had a button where I could kill myself, and see what'd happen if I were to die, then I could just hit a rewind button if I changed my mind. It'd be so easy that way, wouldn't it? Then I could no if there was any real reason why my life would be worth living.
I need to learn to live without people again. It was easier when I only had to care about myself and daddy. I think I'm going to be a hermit when I'm older. No one is going to want to be around me anyway. It'll be better off that way.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Ohy
I was actually okay when I got home. Then I reconvinced myself that my best friend is going to boot me soon and now I'm back to wanting to cry.
The day sucked. Finished a math quiz, have a headache. pep rally sucked as usual. I am cold and depressed and unhappy.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
The day sucked. Finished a math quiz, have a headache. pep rally sucked as usual. I am cold and depressed and unhappy.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Today
I need to write. I just need to. I need to type and just get everything out of my head to keep myself from crying anymore.
I'm so SICK of crying.
My internal alarm went off around 8. I got up and got dressed in my new riding pant, boots, and chaps. I just wanted to break them in a little before I actually rode in them, as I was supposed to go today.
Stepmom asks me if I want to go to the mall so I can get some presents for my friends. I agree, so we go. Lots of shopping, got two of my friends a nice little something and got some sick ass headphones I can't have until christmas. Got the lady I ride with a Barnes and Nobles gift card too, and we're planning on getting her husband one as well.
In the mall, nearly had two break downs. I barely held in the tears, and even then it was the work of a damned miracle. Stepmom tried to make it better, but it didn't help. And of course the stress got me sick to my stomach, which still hasn't gone away.
Texted someone 3 times. I apparently need to get unused to a routine, seeing as I'm used to talking to them all day every day. And today of course, things went out of schedual, and I spent the night wondering if she was dead/finally realized I was a shitty friend and wanted me out of her life. Which also was what probably extended my stomach problems so long.
We were in the mall for 5 hours. At that point, my back was killing me as were my feet. My toes have blisters now, if you care to know. My riding shoes are at least decently broken in I think. So yay, my fat ass can at least do something worth while. You think theres any money in painfully breaking in other's riding boots for them?
And of course, my ego is noting and my emotions are wild and nothing is going right. As I've mentioned before, today proved i need serious psychiatric help and probbaly medicine. Or someone to just do the world a favor and shoot me. But we all know that wont happen, so here I will be, bitching and whining to nobody. And of the people who might read, at least one will go: "Oh, she thinks she has it SOOOO bad. Everything is horrible for her. Well yeah? I got it ten times worse." They're just like most of my school friends. No one really wants to listen to me.
Hell, what's the point of a therapist, they wont want to listen to me either. They'll just want the money and to conform me to what society wants. And I'm like a roung peg in a square hole with that sort of thing. So they'll keep getting money and they wont really help and all will be right with the world.
Sometimes I wish I could see what the world would be like if I were never born. But I'm fairly certain whoever is in charge of that would take one look at me and be like: "Sorry, you really don't want to know that."
I'm so SICK of crying.
My internal alarm went off around 8. I got up and got dressed in my new riding pant, boots, and chaps. I just wanted to break them in a little before I actually rode in them, as I was supposed to go today.
Stepmom asks me if I want to go to the mall so I can get some presents for my friends. I agree, so we go. Lots of shopping, got two of my friends a nice little something and got some sick ass headphones I can't have until christmas. Got the lady I ride with a Barnes and Nobles gift card too, and we're planning on getting her husband one as well.
In the mall, nearly had two break downs. I barely held in the tears, and even then it was the work of a damned miracle. Stepmom tried to make it better, but it didn't help. And of course the stress got me sick to my stomach, which still hasn't gone away.
Texted someone 3 times. I apparently need to get unused to a routine, seeing as I'm used to talking to them all day every day. And today of course, things went out of schedual, and I spent the night wondering if she was dead/finally realized I was a shitty friend and wanted me out of her life. Which also was what probably extended my stomach problems so long.
We were in the mall for 5 hours. At that point, my back was killing me as were my feet. My toes have blisters now, if you care to know. My riding shoes are at least decently broken in I think. So yay, my fat ass can at least do something worth while. You think theres any money in painfully breaking in other's riding boots for them?
And of course, my ego is noting and my emotions are wild and nothing is going right. As I've mentioned before, today proved i need serious psychiatric help and probbaly medicine. Or someone to just do the world a favor and shoot me. But we all know that wont happen, so here I will be, bitching and whining to nobody. And of the people who might read, at least one will go: "Oh, she thinks she has it SOOOO bad. Everything is horrible for her. Well yeah? I got it ten times worse." They're just like most of my school friends. No one really wants to listen to me.
Hell, what's the point of a therapist, they wont want to listen to me either. They'll just want the money and to conform me to what society wants. And I'm like a roung peg in a square hole with that sort of thing. So they'll keep getting money and they wont really help and all will be right with the world.
Sometimes I wish I could see what the world would be like if I were never born. But I'm fairly certain whoever is in charge of that would take one look at me and be like: "Sorry, you really don't want to know that."
7 days/ Where are you Christmas?
It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when you're depressed and it has gotten really bad again in the past two months. I'm crying almost every day now. I almost had a break down in the mall twice today.
I feel stupid, fat, worthless, clingy, whiney, and just abnormal. I feel like a freak.
Not to mention the person who has been talking to me all day every day pretty much for the entire day and who bugs out when she doesn't hear from me by four decided to not contact me until 10. I had about three anxiety attacks, swore something horrible happened, or thought she hated my guts and never wanted to speak to me again. I am in way to fragile of a state to deal with this.
Yeah, I'm fragile. That's the best word. I'm deaing with severe mood swings contantly. No one can say anything to me without making me upset. I'm snapping so easily. I need help, I -genuinely- need help. When I admit it, that's bad.
Hopefully something will happen soon. My stepmom hopefully wont procrastinate with this. I can't do this by myself, clearly, and I can't keep asking V to listen to me bitch when she has her own shit.
Anyway, last few months have sucked, I need to post more, etc. I need to relax more, really. I just wanna cry too much lately. It's annoying. And, you know, I feel like I have a ton of rocks on my chest the entire time.
Today sucked. But at least I only have one more present to make and then THANK YOU PRIMUS I am done. I have all my presents for everyone aside from that, and I even did a ton od wrapping for my stepmom. So yay, I did one thing right with my worthless existance.
I'm going to go break down some more. Yay school tomorrow.
I feel stupid, fat, worthless, clingy, whiney, and just abnormal. I feel like a freak.
Not to mention the person who has been talking to me all day every day pretty much for the entire day and who bugs out when she doesn't hear from me by four decided to not contact me until 10. I had about three anxiety attacks, swore something horrible happened, or thought she hated my guts and never wanted to speak to me again. I am in way to fragile of a state to deal with this.
Yeah, I'm fragile. That's the best word. I'm deaing with severe mood swings contantly. No one can say anything to me without making me upset. I'm snapping so easily. I need help, I -genuinely- need help. When I admit it, that's bad.
Hopefully something will happen soon. My stepmom hopefully wont procrastinate with this. I can't do this by myself, clearly, and I can't keep asking V to listen to me bitch when she has her own shit.
Anyway, last few months have sucked, I need to post more, etc. I need to relax more, really. I just wanna cry too much lately. It's annoying. And, you know, I feel like I have a ton of rocks on my chest the entire time.
Today sucked. But at least I only have one more present to make and then THANK YOU PRIMUS I am done. I have all my presents for everyone aside from that, and I even did a ton od wrapping for my stepmom. So yay, I did one thing right with my worthless existance.
I'm going to go break down some more. Yay school tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)