Monday, December 19, 2011


I was actually okay when I got home. Then I reconvinced myself that my best friend is going to boot me soon and now I'm back to wanting to cry.

The day sucked. Finished a math quiz, have a headache. pep rally sucked as usual. I am cold and depressed and unhappy.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

Sunday, December 18, 2011


I need to write. I just need to. I need to type and just get everything out of my head to keep myself from crying anymore.

I'm so SICK of crying.

My internal alarm went off around 8. I got up and got dressed in my new riding pant, boots, and chaps. I just wanted to break them in a little before I actually rode in them, as I was supposed to go today.

Stepmom asks me if I want to go to the mall so I can get some presents for my friends. I agree, so we go. Lots of shopping, got two of my friends a nice little something and got some sick ass headphones I can't have until christmas. Got the lady I ride with a Barnes and Nobles gift card too, and we're planning on getting her husband one as well.

In the mall, nearly had two break downs. I barely held in the tears, and even then it was the work of a damned miracle. Stepmom tried to make it better, but it didn't help. And of course the stress got me sick to my stomach, which still hasn't gone away.

Texted someone 3 times. I apparently need to get unused to a routine, seeing as I'm used to talking to them all day every day. And today of course, things went out of schedual, and I spent the night wondering if she was dead/finally realized I was a shitty friend and wanted me out of her life. Which also was what probably extended my stomach problems so long.

We were in the mall for 5 hours. At that point, my back was killing me as were my feet. My toes have blisters now, if you care to know. My riding shoes are at least decently broken in I think. So yay, my fat ass can at least do something worth while. You think theres any money in painfully breaking in other's riding boots for them?

And of course, my ego is noting and my emotions are wild and nothing is going right. As I've mentioned before, today proved i need serious psychiatric help and probbaly medicine. Or someone to just do the world a favor and shoot me. But we all know that wont happen, so here I will be, bitching and whining to nobody. And of the people who might read, at least one will go: "Oh, she thinks she has it SOOOO bad. Everything is horrible for her. Well yeah? I got it ten times worse." They're just like most of my school friends. No one really wants to listen to me.

Hell, what's the point of a therapist, they wont want to listen to me either. They'll just want the money and to conform me to what society wants. And I'm like a roung peg in a square hole with that sort of thing. So they'll keep getting money and they wont really help and all will be right with the world.

Sometimes I wish I could see what the world would be like if I were never born. But I'm fairly certain whoever is in charge of that would take one look at me and be like: "Sorry, you really don't want to know that."

7 days/ Where are you Christmas?

It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit when you're depressed and it has gotten really bad again in the past two months. I'm crying almost every day now. I almost had a break down in the mall twice today.

I feel stupid, fat, worthless, clingy, whiney, and just abnormal. I feel like a freak.

Not to mention the person who has been talking to me all day every day pretty much for the entire day and who bugs out when she doesn't hear from me by four decided to not contact me until 10. I had about three anxiety attacks, swore something horrible happened, or thought she hated my guts and never wanted to speak to me again. I am in way to fragile of a state to deal with this.

Yeah, I'm fragile. That's the best word. I'm deaing with severe mood swings contantly. No one can say anything to me without making me upset. I'm snapping so easily. I need help, I -genuinely- need help. When I admit it, that's bad.

Hopefully something will happen soon. My stepmom hopefully wont procrastinate with this. I can't do this by myself, clearly, and I can't keep asking V to listen to me bitch when she has her own shit.

Anyway, last few months have sucked, I need to post more, etc. I need to relax more, really. I just wanna cry too much lately. It's annoying. And, you know, I feel like I have a ton of rocks on my chest the entire time.

Today sucked. But at least I only have one more present to make and then THANK YOU PRIMUS I am done. I have all my presents for everyone aside from that, and I even did a ton od wrapping for my stepmom. So yay, I did one thing right with my worthless existance.

I'm going to go break down some more. Yay school tomorrow.