Sunday, January 29, 2012

Another Weird Dream

I was somehow sent to a world wort of like Toy Story, and became a very realistic doll. There was a whole colony of toys there, lead by a head honcho toy and their second in command. They all lived in a huge doll house on a floading island above a huge grassy plain. Below, they sad, were toys they'd banished from their land for misbehaving. It was rare they could save anyone who fell by accident.

I made friends with nearly everyone quickly. The only person who seemed the truly dislike me was the SIC. It was a lot of fun.

One day, I fell to the plain with one of the toys I'd been hanging out with. The wild toys converged on us and attacked us. We ran(well, I ran, the toy I was with waddled. It didn't have hands or feet) back toward the floating island. Everyone had gathered and were holding a rope ladder. They threw the ladder down as soon as we were close enough. I helped the other toy up, before getting up to safety myself. The other toys were able to pull up the ladder before any of he wild toys could climb it.

Much later in the dream(I can't remember the middle) We were all hung by string by something, Hair, a  pullstring, something. The Commander and SIC were glaring at us, lecturing us for misbehaving. For trying to change things. For trying to free the toys. We protested, but couldn't do much. Something staurted cutting our pull strings or hair or whatever, and we grabbed the main ring so we wouldn't fall. We swung forward onto the safety of the roof.

A voice shouted loudly, saying it agreed with us. A new toy appeared. The Commander stared in awe at it, even as it ordered that we were all freed and agreed to our terms. The SIC was livid, and attacked me, knocking me ver so I was half hanging over the roof, her wieght on my legs the only thing keeping me from falling to my death. And then she got up, and I fell.


Yeah, another pleasent one. But whatevs. Gives me something to write about.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


I told my friend things that have been bothering me last night. She replied with silence mostly. I guess she didn't know what to say. I don't know what I expected her to say. Relationships are complicated like that I suppose. Oh well.

As we speak, I'm throwing some updates onto my external hard drive. It's nice to know if anything ever happens, I'll have my computer readily available to me. It's also comforting to have a back up file of all of my documents handy. Damn thing has a fuckload of memory too. It's great.

Anyway, things have been pretty average. I'm still alive. Going to my first therapy appointment on Monday. If I tell her about this, I'm not letting her on. No way. I'll delete the entire thing. Just no.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Air Force Thoughts

I'm thinking about joining the Air Force after high school. I want to do it, but only god knows if I'll pass all the tests. If I do it right, I'll be set for life. Sure, it'll be scary. And I'll sure as hell miss my family and friends. But I just.

I want that. I want to have the knowladge that I accomplished that. I want to be the one that all those people can look up to. I want to be able to defend myself. I want to make my family and my friends proud. I want to be proud of myself. I want to help defend my country.

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. But I know it would be worth it if I did it.

Monday, January 16, 2012


I misss my heart not crying. I miss not crying everyday.

I want to be normal. I want to feel pretty and loved and smart again. I want to feel like I should.

Why does it have to be like this?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Last night

I had a dream. It was snowing. I was catching flakes on my tongue.

Somone told me it was poisonous. I opened my mouth wider and tried harder to catch them.

No one stopped me.

I love my subconcious. I really do.

I wonder if that's really how little people would care.

Friday, January 6, 2012

And I wanna cry again

I hate this. I pour my heart and my soul, my mental and physical health, my blood, sweat, and tears into something, and someone always wants to destroy it. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm always willing to give everything, and it's never enough.

I'm so sick of it. God am I sick of it.  I hate never being good enough, never being able to do enough.

I hate being worthless, but I am. I really am.

I'm never going to make a name for myself. I'm never going to be that person I want to be. Because that person will work for their goals, an I wont. I never have, and I never will. I'm sure I'll give up on my dreams soon and get ready  to go to some teaching college to get my degree. And I'll be that one teacher who everyone hates because I will still be worthless and I'll teach some shitty subject like history so no one will ever want to be around me. Because that's the ultimate sign that I failed, I think, winding up as a teacher. I despise school and everyone/thing associated with it. Being a teacher would be perfect symboism for how much of a failure I am.

All I do is cry, eat, sleep, and do schoolwork. Roleplay and other distractions don't count. I'm worthless. I don't contribute as all. My value is impossible to measure because there is none. I guess this is why I don't think there's any real reason for life, even though I wanna believe there's some plan.

If there's a plan for me, it's a pathetic one. anyone who gets to read it before hand will laugh because of how worthess a single life can be. Maybe I laughed too before I found out it was going to be me.

And again, everything wants to go wrong. And I'm apologizing even thought I don't want to to trigger some contact with the only person who shows some real desire to be around me.

Sometimes I wish I had a button where I could kill myself, and see what'd happen if I were to die, then I could just hit a rewind button if I changed my mind. It'd be so easy that way, wouldn't it? Then I could no if there was any real reason why my life would be worth living.

I need to learn to live without people again. It was easier when I only had to care about myself and daddy.  I think I'm going to be a hermit when I'm older. No one is going to want to be around me anyway. It'll be better off that way.