And I wanna cry again

I hate this. I pour my heart and my soul, my mental and physical health, my blood, sweat, and tears into something, and someone always wants to destroy it. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm always willing to give everything, and it's never enough.

I'm so sick of it. God am I sick of it.  I hate never being good enough, never being able to do enough.

I hate being worthless, but I am. I really am.

I'm never going to make a name for myself. I'm never going to be that person I want to be. Because that person will work for their goals, an I wont. I never have, and I never will. I'm sure I'll give up on my dreams soon and get ready  to go to some teaching college to get my degree. And I'll be that one teacher who everyone hates because I will still be worthless and I'll teach some shitty subject like history so no one will ever want to be around me. Because that's the ultimate sign that I failed, I think, winding up as a teacher. I despise school and everyone/thing associated with it. Being a teacher would be perfect symboism for how much of a failure I am.

All I do is cry, eat, sleep, and do schoolwork. Roleplay and other distractions don't count. I'm worthless. I don't contribute as all. My value is impossible to measure because there is none. I guess this is why I don't think there's any real reason for life, even though I wanna believe there's some plan.

If there's a plan for me, it's a pathetic one. anyone who gets to read it before hand will laugh because of how worthess a single life can be. Maybe I laughed too before I found out it was going to be me.

And again, everything wants to go wrong. And I'm apologizing even thought I don't want to to trigger some contact with the only person who shows some real desire to be around me.

Sometimes I wish I had a button where I could kill myself, and see what'd happen if I were to die, then I could just hit a rewind button if I changed my mind. It'd be so easy that way, wouldn't it? Then I could no if there was any real reason why my life would be worth living.

I need to learn to live without people again. It was easier when I only had to care about myself and daddy.  I think I'm going to be a hermit when I'm older. No one is going to want to be around me anyway. It'll be better off that way.