Long Time

I don't know why I'm back here. I guess I just need something to talk to. It's late, I'm lonely, and I miss people I shouldn't miss.

I guess the first thing I'll go over is my mood swings. I've had horrible, violent ones that I obviously can't control. They make me miserable or angry, and they can be triggered by the slightest thing. It has made my life hell and strained relationships. I'm going on meds soon, and even though they're not specifically for the mood swings, we're hoping that it'll help me get better. I really hope so, I'm good enough at wrecking good things without being completely out of it when I do it.

As for missing people I shouldn't miss... Well, there's an ex, who I am somehow managing to miss tonight.. I think I just miss having someone to talk to. Yeah. That is what I am going to tell myself.

Person number 2 is my mom. It's been almost a year (August 31st I am counting as a full year). She wasn't a good mom. Not when I really look at it. I think I miss her just because I haven't really gotten out of this damned house since the last Summer I was with her. Very, very long time. I miss her animals more anyway. I don't even miss her in the end, I guess. Just her pets and her house. That's kinda pathetic.

Person numero 3 is a friend. One of the people I strained my relationship, obviously. I highly doubt she's reading this, I never linked her. Its so complicated. I'm mad at her and at the same time I know its my own damn fault. It's nothing I can really fix now, no matter how much I want to. I'm too messed up, and I'm going to fuck up again if we talk anymore before I'm on my meds. Ugh. It's all too hard.

On other news, I've been remembering my dreams a lot lately. Some are freaking crazy. Maybe I'll start posting here again. I want to. I kinda missed this. I'll have to see though.

Midterms

And the results are in:
History = B-
English = unknown
Math = E
Web and Media Design = A
Lab Environmental = A
French = B-

Overall not bad I'd say. Math is always my week point. With any luck I'll pick up my grades in math. I actually get what we're doing in class right now. I'm just hoping that the new sememster will be a sort of clean slate for me. Maybe I can get my final grade to be like a C by the end of the year. That's liveable to me. A C. That shouldn't kill me, right?

Now if only I'd get reccomended for honors English, since I effing deserve it in that damned class. Seriously, the only reason it's not my best subject right now is that Environmental Science and Web and Media Design are both really easy classes.

I outlined an essay(the outline isn't due until next Thursday, go me). It's an exposatory essay, meaning I have to relate it to the real world to get my point across. I'm using The Outsiders, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and Inheritance to make my argument. I'm fairly certain the only way this essay would be cooler would be if I somehow fit Pokemon into there. I'm kind of excited to write it, too bad it wont be worth as much as that stupid research paper was.

I signed up for the SAT. I'm taking it March 10. That gives me a month to study. How insane is that? I'll be done with it soon. I'm also taking the HSPA test in March, like right before the SAT. Oh well, at least I'm getting it all out in one go. I'm going to have to really be in test mode the beggining of next month. *dies*

Than in May I'll be taking my driver's test. I. Am. So. Close. GAH! That's so weird for me, you have no idea. *flail* I mean shoot, I'll be legal to drive all on my own soon. I'll be driving to school soon. And I'll have to get a job D=

I also got a little more organized today. I'm going to start using an accordion folder instead of using ten different ones. I also have been gradually clearing out my binders since its the beggining of the second semester. It's amazing how much paper we've used, and we're only half way through the year! Seriously, im going to have to throw away a ridiculous amount of papers at the end of this year.

Primus above, I'm also nearing the AP History exam. But after that my teacher promised that we aren't doing anything else. I'm so glad it's almost all over. *thunks head against desk* I'm so sick of all of this. I can't wait to just get it all over with. Oh well, at least I'm getting close. Thank god this year is passing by faster than last year did.

Another Weird Dream

I was somehow sent to a world wort of like Toy Story, and became a very realistic doll. There was a whole colony of toys there, lead by a head honcho toy and their second in command. They all lived in a huge doll house on a floading island above a huge grassy plain. Below, they sad, were toys they'd banished from their land for misbehaving. It was rare they could save anyone who fell by accident.

I made friends with nearly everyone quickly. The only person who seemed the truly dislike me was the SIC. It was a lot of fun.

One day, I fell to the plain with one of the toys I'd been hanging out with. The wild toys converged on us and attacked us. We ran(well, I ran, the toy I was with waddled. It didn't have hands or feet) back toward the floating island. Everyone had gathered and were holding a rope ladder. They threw the ladder down as soon as we were close enough. I helped the other toy up, before getting up to safety myself. The other toys were able to pull up the ladder before any of he wild toys could climb it.

Much later in the dream(I can't remember the middle) We were all hung by string by something, Hair, a  pullstring, something. The Commander and SIC were glaring at us, lecturing us for misbehaving. For trying to change things. For trying to free the toys. We protested, but couldn't do much. Something staurted cutting our pull strings or hair or whatever, and we grabbed the main ring so we wouldn't fall. We swung forward onto the safety of the roof.

A voice shouted loudly, saying it agreed with us. A new toy appeared. The Commander stared in awe at it, even as it ordered that we were all freed and agreed to our terms. The SIC was livid, and attacked me, knocking me ver so I was half hanging over the roof, her wieght on my legs the only thing keeping me from falling to my death. And then she got up, and I fell.

~-x-~

Yeah, another pleasent one. But whatevs. Gives me something to write about.

Well

I told my friend things that have been bothering me last night. She replied with silence mostly. I guess she didn't know what to say. I don't know what I expected her to say. Relationships are complicated like that I suppose. Oh well.

As we speak, I'm throwing some updates onto my external hard drive. It's nice to know if anything ever happens, I'll have my computer readily available to me. It's also comforting to have a back up file of all of my documents handy. Damn thing has a fuckload of memory too. It's great.

Anyway, things have been pretty average. I'm still alive. Going to my first therapy appointment on Monday. If I tell her about this, I'm not letting her on. No way. I'll delete the entire thing. Just no.

Air Force Thoughts

I'm thinking about joining the Air Force after high school. I want to do it, but only god knows if I'll pass all the tests. If I do it right, I'll be set for life. Sure, it'll be scary. And I'll sure as hell miss my family and friends. But I just.

I want that. I want to have the knowladge that I accomplished that. I want to be the one that all those people can look up to. I want to be able to defend myself. I want to make my family and my friends proud. I want to be proud of myself. I want to help defend my country.

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy. But I know it would be worth it if I did it.

I MISS BEING HEALTHY

I misss my heart not crying. I miss not crying everyday.

I want to be normal. I want to feel pretty and loved and smart again. I want to feel like I should.

Why does it have to be like this?

Last night

I had a dream. It was snowing. I was catching flakes on my tongue.

Somone told me it was poisonous. I opened my mouth wider and tried harder to catch them.

No one stopped me.

I love my subconcious. I really do.

I wonder if that's really how little people would care.

And I wanna cry again

I hate this. I pour my heart and my soul, my mental and physical health, my blood, sweat, and tears into something, and someone always wants to destroy it. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm always willing to give everything, and it's never enough.

I'm so sick of it. God am I sick of it.  I hate never being good enough, never being able to do enough.

I hate being worthless, but I am. I really am.

I'm never going to make a name for myself. I'm never going to be that person I want to be. Because that person will work for their goals, an I wont. I never have, and I never will. I'm sure I'll give up on my dreams soon and get ready  to go to some teaching college to get my degree. And I'll be that one teacher who everyone hates because I will still be worthless and I'll teach some shitty subject like history so no one will ever want to be around me. Because that's the ultimate sign that I failed, I think, winding up as a teacher. I despise school and everyone/thing associated with it. Being a teacher would be perfect symboism for how much of a failure I am.

All I do is cry, eat, sleep, and do schoolwork. Roleplay and other distractions don't count. I'm worthless. I don't contribute as all. My value is impossible to measure because there is none. I guess this is why I don't think there's any real reason for life, even though I wanna believe there's some plan.

If there's a plan for me, it's a pathetic one. anyone who gets to read it before hand will laugh because of how worthess a single life can be. Maybe I laughed too before I found out it was going to be me.

And again, everything wants to go wrong. And I'm apologizing even thought I don't want to to trigger some contact with the only person who shows some real desire to be around me.

Sometimes I wish I had a button where I could kill myself, and see what'd happen if I were to die, then I could just hit a rewind button if I changed my mind. It'd be so easy that way, wouldn't it? Then I could no if there was any real reason why my life would be worth living.

I need to learn to live without people again. It was easier when I only had to care about myself and daddy.  I think I'm going to be a hermit when I'm older. No one is going to want to be around me anyway. It'll be better off that way.